It’s a nice day outside. A nice day for a walk. A nice day to go to the park. To enjoy the relaxing calm of wandering aimlessly. Feeling a gentle breeze touch my face. I hate that the thought of doing something so simple now fills me with so much dread.
On the outside, I’m male. I look male, but I have never felt that way. Right now, I have nail polish on my fingernails. I love how it makes my hands look. Should I remove it before going out? Probably. Should I wear the clothes I love? A long skirt to catch the breeze? Probably not.
If I remove the nail polish, wear guy shorts and a t-shirt, I can fit in. The dread goes away. Barring a sudden change in the weather, my walk will be without incident, and I can relax. Of course, I will also feel sad. I will also feel wrong, and I will spend most of the walk wishing I had more courage.
I know that I have no real rights in this country. Real rights are inalienable, but my “rights” are subject to a vote. They can be given, and taken away, on a whim. My whole life is like that: subject to the whim of every straight, cisgendered person I meet. Even something as simple as a walk in the park.
If I dress in the way that makes me feel complete, what will I experience today? Will it be a stare of confusion from the people I meet? Will it be a stare of disgust? Will it be the whispered conversations of the people who pass me? Will someone shout faggot, or say it under their breath? Will I be attacked, beaten, or even killed?
Whatever happens, it won’t be up to me. I don’t get to have that kind of control over my life. It will be up to each of them. Of course, whatever happens, it will still be my fault. I was asking for it. Just look at the way I’m dressed. How the fuck did I expect them to react?
Yeah. It’s a nice day out, but I think I’ll just stay inside.
Originally posted on Shadow Songs