Lately, I’ve noticed something. I occasionally come across people on twitter making homophobic comments. Of course, these people all tend to be on the nuttier side of christianity. No surprise there. And, of course, I often call them out on it using a sprinkling of profanity, blasphemy, and personal insults. What can I say? It is my way.
Now, most of these people block me, but a few of them actually try to defend their nasty little statements. Amazingly enough, all of them seem to take a similar approach. First, they try to reassure me that they are in no way homophobic, and that they certainly have no dislike for gay people. An assertion which is, of course, completely at odds with the putrid little tweets that somehow appeared on their twitter feed. Hmmm, what to believe? Should I accept their declaration of innocence, or trust in the 140 character chunks of homophobic goodness that sit before me?
More surprising, though, is that they all claim to have gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender friends who would completely disagree with my perception of their alleged homophobia. My horribly wrong assessment of their previous tweets must simply be a failure of perception on my part. Maybe I’m simply too sensitive. Maybe I have anger issues, and could use a bit of counseling. Unlike all of their perfectly well adjusted gay friends. As should be obvious, said friendships are also offered as proof that they can not be the least bit homophobic. As they made perfectly clear to me, some of their best friends are gay.
Now, I in no way mean to imply that the LGBT community marches in lockstep, or that we all agree on the same things. That would be ridiculous. I am sure that many people within the community would disagree with me on a wide variety of topics. Certainly, many disagree with my assessment of religion and christianity, and I am sure some would describe me as a loudmouthed pretentious asshole. Which is as it should be.
However, what I find myself incapable of believing is that every raging homophobe I meet has enough gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender friends to populate a pride parade. It just seems a bit far fetched. Is there, perhaps, just the smallest possible chance that they could be, I don’t know, really big fucking LIARS? You know, maybe, just a little? Ahh, but sorry. What was I thinking? Christians would never lie about something. Just ask the pope.
I, on the other hand, am an atheist. Of course, I have no morals, so there is nothing to prevent me from using such a tactic to win an argument. I can lie all I want. In fact, learning to lie while arguing with christians may be excellent practice for when I start to molest children. Hey, I’m queer. It’s inevitable. If I were a good person, I would have been a priest or something. You know, someone who would never harm a child.
So, with the freedom that comes from complete moral depravity, I have decided to take this very same approach when arguing with christians. In fact, I have decided to test this approach here in the hope that my fellow depraved unbelievers will find it beneficial. So, here we go.
Let me try this one for starters.
Sure, I expressed a desire to rebuild the Colosseum, hunt down christians, and feed them to hungry lions. That does not make me anti-christian. Some of my best friends are christians. Why would they be friends with me if they thought I hated them?
Or, how about this one.
I know you think that what I said was offensive, but some of my best friends are christians. Unlike you, they actually think it’s funny when I refer to Jesus as a brain sucking zombie. I mean, really, maybe you should just lighten up a bit. It was just a joke, after all.
And, one for the catholics.
Yes. I made a joke that involved a donkey, the virgin Mary, oral sex, some Roman centurions, and the body of Christ, but I really don’t understand what you’re so upset about. Some of my best friends are catholics, and they thought it was hilarious.
Just because I said that all christians should be in an asylum for constantly talking to themselves does not mean that I hate christians. I know that you believe you’re talking to some invisible bearded friend in the sky. I also know you believe that your invisible friend loves you with an infinite love, and that you must talk to him on a regular basis to prevent him from torturing you for all eternity. See, I do understand your religion. Some of my best friends are christians, and I have never had any of them committed. You can talk to your invisible friend all you want in the privacy of your own home. I just don’t see why you need to flaunt your insanity at my town council meetings, and please stop referring to it as “a personal relationship”. How can it be a relationship when you are really all alone? That’s just masturbation. Sorry, if you find the truth so offensive.
These are just a few ideas that I thought up in a pinch. Still a bit of a work in progress, you see. I’m sure that with time and effort, my days on twitter will be much more enjoyable now that I have found such a useful rhetorical tool. With that said, let me reassure all of my atheist friends here. The above statements contain a very big lie. I don’t have any friends who are christians. Not even I would sink that low.
It’s strange though. I’ve just noticed a slight twinge in my abdomen. I might even say some discomfort. I don’t really feel sick, per se. It’s more like, I feel somewhat dirty. Dirty deep down inside. Oh well, so much for my nefarious scheme. I guess the truth would be the better choice all around. Maybe we should simply drop the illusion of polite disagreement to express our true feelings. Christians should now refer to me as the evil perverted disease-ridden faggot who is destined for hell, and I will refer to them as the evil delusional stone-age fascist dumbfucks who worship a flying zombie.
Wow. That was refreshing. I feel better already.